The ManDeLorean Effect

Strap in Reader, we’re going for a ride!

Due to Doc and Marty’s traveling back to 1955 and altering certain events, Marty found himself back in the future in an altered 1985. Let’s consider this altered future as a new dimension, or universe. This alternate dimension always existed and always will, even after Marty and Doc go back to 1955 to fix their mistake, but it feels new to us and it feels new to Marty because we didn’t know it existed before Marty found it. That universe is a constant. However, the fact that Marty found himself there is our variable.

He traveled to the alternate 1985 because of his actions in 1955, which plays as a junction and a branching point for many possible futures. If it helps, Doc Brown draws a diagram during the movie to explain this very phenomenon. He draws a straight line that represents Marty’s constant timeline as his life would be laid out sans DeLorean. He then draws a branching line shooting off from that original line that joins our original line at the tangent point that represents 1955. The part of his timeline that events were altered. Going forward from that junction, 1955, Marty could have taken any number of turns and ended up in a different possible future. In other words, by going to the past, he placed himself at a pivotal point where he gained the potential to travel into the future to various, possibly infinite, new and alternate futures.

This idea stems even further when we see at the end of the third part of the movie that Marty finds himself in yet another alternate universe. He stays in this universe because his parents are happy and he has a truck. Meanwhile, back in his original universe, Marty disappeared into the past and never came home.

This idea seems pretty far-fetched, very science fiction if you were to consider it alongside what we consider the real world. Or does it…

The Mandela Effect is the phenomenon that claims we start in one reality, collect a smattering of memories, then carry those memories with us when we accidentally slip into another reality. We only realize that we’ve slipped into an alternate reality when we find the memories we’ve carried over from our original reality don’t mesh with the history of events that have taken place in the new reality. Some people will call these old memories ‘False Memories”, but I like to think of them as ‘Other Memories’.

Let’s attempt ground these concepts now, reader, in an experience that I had recently.

I am a teacher, of sorts, and have distinct memories of teaching certain material. Today, I was asked by another instructor about a portion of this material. He and I both had distinct memories of teaching the same information, but we had trouble finding the evidence.

This resulted in a scurry through our past material, almost a year old at this point, to find the specific information. At one point, our most desperate perhaps, we came to the conclusion that there was no record at all of that material and instead we’d imagined the whole thing. It felt very much like I’d developed ‘False Memories’. I began to feel as though I’d drifted into an alternate reality where this information had never been taught.

Then I found a thread. My fellow instructor had his finger hovering above the send button to an e-mail that admitted we had been wrong when I uncovered a bit of information that helped me pull myself back to reality. My reality, where I taught things and remembered them.

I followed the small line in a document to another document. Then a Power Point presentation. Slowly, as I uncovered more and more information related to the original material, it began to seem silly that we’d missed these in the first place. Soon everywhere I looked I found more supporting evidence that validated my original idea.

By the end of it all, his e-mail contained nearly two pages of excerpts from documents and charts that provided reasoning as to why we were correct. This is the point in which I recognize that I had shifted back to my original reality, or one close to it.

Here’s my theory. I’d somehow found myself in an alternate reality, or an alternate future. By tugging on a small thread, the remnants of my original reality, I was able to pull myself back towards home by following a metaphysical trail of bread crumbs. I’m not sure if I’ve made it back to my true reality, or if I’ve taken a turn to one that better suits my interests. But, just as Marty stayed in his better reality at the end of the film, I’m sticking around in this one.

And you know what, reader? The air is much crisper in this reality.

Again, and always, thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed some of my ideas here.

Until next time, reader.

The Photograph Pt. 5 (Finale)

The man, if he could be called a man with his sunken eye and sallow skin, continued to stare at me while the woman packed the last few items from the bed. He didn’t move, except for the slight shift of his fingers keeping the pen, my pen, in motion. He didn’t seem to blink either, though it was hard to tell. His eyes were the same color as the shadow that fell over them.

“I’m sorry I sent my friend to come get you,” the woman said and made me jump right out of my skin. I wasn’t sure if the man could smile, but I swear that that thin bastard showed me a glimpse of teeth. Sure I was spooked, damn near scared to death, but I didn’t want someone like that grinning at me even in my best moments. “I was a little preoccupied with other business.”

She tossed one of the photographs down to me on the floor. It landed face up at my knees. On it, a new man lay on a concrete floor, a pained expression over his face. At least, the portion of his face that hadn’t been obscured with duct tape.

“The ticket agent?” I said.

“That’s right,” the woman said. She’d finished packing and hopped up to sit on her case while she buckled the clasps shut on either end. “He had to be punished, too. Just like that other man. And you.”

“Me?” I tried to stand and couldn’t. Not because the man’s power had come over me again, but because I simply lacked the strength “Punished? But, what did I do?”

“That’s funny,” she said and looked over at her friend. “Every single one of them say that.”

“What did I do?” I said again, and fought very hard not to start crying.

“Take a look around this room,” the woman said and waved a hand out to the world around her. “On the dead man’s body behind you, an empty money clip. Under the helpless girl who had no way home, the case you took from her. And that’s just the past few days. We guessed you’d lived a guilty life before we had the misfortune to meet you. And now that my friend has been in your head, we know exactly what sort of person you are. He’d heard your angry thoughts, your perversions, your demons you keep in a closet. He knows exactly who you’ve hurt and even why. Your most noble moments, shrouded in fear and self-doubt and, yes, guilt.”

“That’s not fair,” I said. “You can’t judge someone on what’s in their head. You can’t.”

“Why not,” came a voice from the walls around me like a warm liquid oozing from between molded boards. It immediately made me feel groggy. I had to place a hand on the carpet before me or risk collapsing. The man in the chair spoke again. “I have been within you, I have tasted your soul and listened to the whispers that hide inside your heart. It made me sick.”

I gasped for a breath, and I nearly didn’t find it.

“I’m not a bad person, everyone has bad thoughts,” I said. This time I couldn’t fight the tears. They re-traced the lines that were made when I’d gotten my body back. I hung my head.

“See, the thing about that is,” the woman said. I felt her hand on the back of my neck. “Most people fight off the occasional urge or ill thought. Your whole head if full of them. It’s almost as though the good thoughts are swimming in a pool of bad ones. And even those good ones aren’t that good.”

“Please,” I said.

“No,” the woman said. This time I could feel her friend smile, as though it were my smile, too. I felt him inside of me again. His hands bleeding into my hands, his eyes pushing into my sockets. I was forced onto my back, where I looked up at the woman. Her friend no longer sat in the chair, no longer belonged in the room. He’d found his way inside me.

In my last moments of control, I wriggled and writhed. It didn’t hurt. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Every bit of me that he filled, I lost feeling in. I licked my lips and tasted the salt from my tears. Then nothing. The woman took out her camera again. I had no control over my eyes and could not shield them from the flash.

They didn’t kill me. At least, I don’t think they did. Think is about all I can do these days. Living a half-existence isn’t so bad, really. I don’t have to taste what he makes my body eat since he’s taken my tongue. And I don’t have to see or hear anything if I recede into myself. Alone. The darkness is comforting, until the bad thoughts find me.

The Photograph Pt. 4

She looked at me, and I shivered.

Continued to shiver. It was damn cold on that beach. Everything about this made zero sense. Her eyes, I couldn’t see them, but I could feel them on me. She moved and I stood still. My muscles were locked, my brain was locked. I felt as though something had a grip on the back of my mind, and held me in place. I tried to tell myself it was fear, shock at seeing this woman again, or just the cold.

“You can feel him can’t you?” She was close enough now that I could see the moon sitting beside her pupils. “It’s almost like a burn. You can’t feel it until you know it’s there.”

I tried to move my hands, but they stayed by my sides.

“What’s happening?” It was all I could manage, and even then it came out as a slur.

“I can’t hear you over these waves,” she motioned at the ocean behind my back. “Let’s go back to your place.”

First my feet lifted, and set back down into the sand. Then my body leaned forward to pick up momentum. My arms swung casually at my sides. She grabbed my hand and held it as we walked back the way I’d come. I’d lost control.

Something aside from my own will had taken the strings, and I’d become a puppet. Its icy grip stung in my skull.

And still, one foot after the next. I new then that she wasn’t holding my hand. She was holding her friend’s. The person, thing, pulling my strings leading me back to the hotel room that had that man’s body in it.

I could barely think. If I started to struggle to hard the edges of my vision would start to turn white. All I could manage to do was watch as the beach moved past me. I had no power over my limbs. I couldn’t even feel the cold breeze on my cheeks anymore. I couldn’t hear the waves properly, as if someone had turned the volume down on the world. On my senses.

Eventually, we made it up the beach and to the hotel. As if from a mile away I heard my own voice greet and then thank the hostess at the front desk when she wished us a good night. Nothing out of the ordinary, just a couple coming in from a night out on the beach.

In the elevator I fought my hand as it raised to push the button that would bring us to my floor. There was no resistance shown in my physical form. I watched, horrified as my own hand carelessly, effortlessly pushed the button.

And we began to rise.

If my mind was still connected to my body, I’m sure my heart would’ve been racing in my chest. But the thing in my head even had control over that.

The doors opened to my floor. She walked with me to my room. And my own hand opened the door with the key from my pocket.

Inside, the man still lay on the floor. He hadn’t been moved. The money clip still sat on his stomach.

The rest of the room looked the same, too. All of her things sat on the bed. My feet took me into the room and my hand closed the door behind me, even though I willed them not to. The white fuzz edged into my vision and I tried to scream, tried to cry, but my body stood quite still. I couldn’t turn my head as I passed the mirror to see if my eyes were still my eyes.

She dropped my hand and when she did a weight left me. I instantly felt empty and I fell to my knees. Hot tears moved over my cheeks and into my mouth. I used my tongue to catch them. I ran my hands over my face, I felt my neck, my chest, my own thighs. With a huge effort I lifted my head.

She’d taken a seat on the bed beside her suitcase, already put most of her things back into it. I watched her methodology, and the appreciation she showed for each and every bit she got back. Even the sand-and-sea-water-ruined shirt she lovingly folded and tucked into the case.

Movement in the corner drew my attention. Someone else had joined us in my room. He sat in my desk chair with his legs crossed and a pen wiggled between his fingers. He looked unfriendly in a dangerous way and thin in an unhealthy way and he was staring right at me.

Scars

“I have scars on my hands from touching certain people… certain heads, certain colors and textures of human hair leave permanent marks on me.”

J.D. Salinger

I don’t know if this is a scar yet. It might be a wound that is still open and waiting to become a scar. I do know that I can still feel her fingers laced in mine, a ghost of her head on my shoulder. And the look she gave me when I smiled at her is behind my closed eyes.

I found her sitting in the middle of a walkway surrounded by her purse, a cat in a travel bag, and about a thousand people who would rather not see her. I’ll admit, with my first glance I made assumptions, as we all do. I’m human, reader. Please don’t hold that fault against me. I thought she was a carless person who chose to sit in the middle of foot traffic. I dismissed her.

When my attention was brought back to her she’d found someone to assist her. Or rather, a nice person found her. By this time, it was easy to see that this woman was in a bad way; weak on her feet, groggy, and caring for a cat. She looked lost.

I approached.

And the nice person who’d found this woman handed her off to my care. I didn’t ask for that, I didn’t think I could help any better than anyone else, but I did accept the responsibility.

From that point I carried the woman figuratively, and more or less literally, to a seat. She hung on to my hand timidly at first, hoping for me to be a source of support in a harsh world. Forgive me again for paraphrasing, but a little later she confessed to me that she’d been going through a divorce that was killing her, and this past year had been difficult. I didn’t need to know the full story, and I didn’t ask. She didn’t share. Instead, we existed as people who needed each other. For a brief time, she needed me as a grounding. And I needed her in a way I can’t quite put into words yet. It must be there, in the back of my head with all the cob webs and fuzz out of belly buttons, but I’m still sifting through all of this and might never find it.

About the time that she took my hand the first time, I realized just how thin she was. But her hands were strong, and they gripped my arm as she tottered along beside me.

All I could do was hold her steady, stop when she needed rest, and reassure her that despite everything, she’d be ok.

After about twenty minutes together I put some things together. The cat was fat. He’d been cared for despite the hell this woman was going through. She was thin. Which meant she was not being cared for through this personal hell. She did not smell of alcohol. This was a hard one. This meant that this weakness she displayed was coming from something more serious than simply having too many drinks.

I held her tighter as we wandered around. With more time together, she started to trust me. With her cat, her hand, and her head on my shoulder. While we waited for the train she hugged me. Full-on, arms around the neck appreciation. On the train she asked me to sit with her. On the escalator she said I was being too nice. “Way too nice.”

I began to think that maybe I was the first person to show this woman any genuine kindness in months, maybe even the entire year she’d been going through this.

I wanted to do more. I wanted to help, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t feel as though I had, have, the ability to give her what she needed. But her face, the calm eyes that settled on me periodically throughout our time together, that I won’t forget. The relationship we’d built in just an hour. I never told her my name. Trivial things like that didn’t matter. But I made her laugh. And that mattered a lot.

Eventually, I brought her to where she needed to go, and I passed her on to someone. My time with her had come to an end. And I was left empty and worried. I don’t think she’ll be ok. I don’t. That’s pretty hard for me to admit. When this wound heals, I think it will be a good-sized scar. I think I’ll look at this scar from time to time and imagine her getting home, feeding her cat, and growing scars of her own and, hopefully, being happy again.

The Photograph Pt. 3

I decided to clear my head. At least, that’s what I thought I was doing. I looked back along the beach and saw my footprints in the sand as far back as I could see in the dark. Other people had walked on this beach, left their own footprints. Some had faded, others mingled with my own on their way to the water.

Ahead of me, the moonlight caught on some wind chimes that hung in the windows of little driftwood huts. You could rent one for the night, if you really wanted. I’d looked into it. Kept my options open, but hadn’t thought to much of the fact that an abnormally high tide could wash the shack, with me in it mind you, out to the horizon.

People come to the beach to walk all the time, with the intent to clear their heads with the sea air and chilly, ocean spray. But something was bugging me more than this salty mist could cure.

How did I get on this damn beach?

I’d been drunk in my hotel room. There was a dead man on the floor. The man from the picture I’d found in the girl’s suitcase. Then… what?

I picked up a shell. I had nothing else to do. My legs were tired and my bare arms burned, the hair on them matted to my cold skin. The ridges on the rough shell dug into the pad of my thumb. It hurt, but it felt nice in an odd way.

Suddenly I was blinded by a flash of white light. Then, just as the reddish hue had begun to fade from my vision, the light flashed again. At first I thought I’d stumbled upon a lighthouse, stupidly oblivious to the fact that it had turned its light on when the sun set. But then the noise behind the flash made sense. A snap followed by a rapid clicking.

I rubbed my eyes with numb fingers, managed to get the red out of the way this time. No third flash came after the clicking. I focused and found a silhouette before me, against the lights coming down from the balconies and hotel rooms lining the beach. Then I heard her laughing.

As laughs go, this one was fairly innocent. She’d gotten a kick out of momentarily blinding me. So I waved and walked over to her.

“Where did you come from?” I asked her.

“The train station,” she said and I might have heard a click again, this time in my own head.

“You’re the girl I bought the case from,” I said. I’d stopped about four feet down the beach from her. Her face was in shadow, but she looked familiar. She continued to wind the camera in her hand. “And you took my picture.”

“I want my case back,” she said and raised her camera for another picture. I raised my hand to protect my eyes from the flash, but I was too late. The spots bloomed in my vision.

“Can you knock that off?” I said.

“Sure,” she said, but I heard her thumb working away to wind the camera again.

“Look,” I said. “You can have the case back. I just want to know a couple of things.”

“You want to know who that man was in the picture,” she said. “And you want to know how you got to this beach.”

“I want-” I stammered. Lost for words I took a step backward instead. She didn’t move toward me. In fact, she hadn’t moved at all throughout the whole conversation except to wind her camera.

“I took the picture of that man,” she said. “I found him rooting around my kitchen one day looking for something expensive.”

“Then how the hell did he end up in my hotel room?” I said. My legs felt like cement.

“That was my friend,” she said. Fresh waves crashed behind us, closer than they’d been when we started talking.

“Your friend,” I said. “And was it ‘your friend’ who brought me out to this beach?”

“That’s right,” she said. “He helped me find you, then he helped you find us. He’s very good at finding people.”

The Photograph Pt. 2

Hours, maybe even days, later I sat at the hotel bar. The place was crowded, and I mean crowded. About ever damn seat was filled. Next to me on my right sat a tourist in a Hawaiian shirt. His hair had faded away to a couple of white poofs around his temples and he drank from a bent straw that stuck out of his pina colada like a periscope.

On my other side, a fat woman in an unflattering muumuu designed to make the sun itself look dim and drab.

I said the courteous hello when they each showed up, but made sure they knew that’s all they were getting from me.

I sat there and I drank. First a Malibu and coke, then a vodka cranberry. I didn’t know what the hell to drink. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing in that hotel bar. Hadn’t I been in my room?

Hadn’t I been looking at something?

“Another?” The bartender asked me. He looked like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, if Shaggy wore board shorts and an untucked polo shirt. I counted the dandruff flakes around the front of his collar as I shook my head and put my palm over the rim of my glass. No more for me, thanks.

I downed the last of the watery vodka and cranberry juice and looked behind me. I could almost make out a path through the throng of people grinding on the dance floor. I’d have to chance it.

I stood on uneasy feet. Wobbled, and caught myself on the shoulder of the fat woman.

“Sorry,” I said and looked at her forehead.

“That’s ok,” she said through a heavy giggle. “I came down tonight figuring one of these young men would end up groping me.”

She laughed then at her own drollery.

“What?” I looked into her eyes.

“I was hoping to get a little action from someone tonight,” she said and showed me her messy teeth.

“Right,” I stammered. Maybe I’d had more to drink than I thought. “Sorry again.”

I about faced and nearly ran into everyone on the dance floor on my way to the door.

In the quiet of the hotel hallway I could hear my head pounding. I looked down at my hands. A few of my knuckles were bruised and my middle finger had a black nail. I stuck my hands into my pockets, ashamed and worried someone might see the state of them, and headed off in the direction of my room. That’s when I felt something in my pocket. I pulled out what I thought at first was a folded piece of paper.

Turned out to be a photograph. It’d been folded in half twice. When I unfolded it, the picture of a man wearing a white wife-beater in a small, filthy kitchen had been divided into four quadrants. In the top left quadrant his ugly face had been caught in a snarl.

I walked down the hall and stared at the picture. Before I realized where I’d been walking, I found myself outside my room. My hand instinctively snuck into my back pocket and found the plastic card key. It took three tries, but the door eventually opened.

Inside a man lay on the floor. The man from the photograph. My new case still sat open on the bed, and all the woman’s clothing and even the other pictures were still there, where I’d set them before I stepped outside. The door to the balcony had been left open and the sea breeze came at me over the man’s body. It carried a heavy odor of fresh death. A sweet smell that complimented the sea air. I coughed trying to hold back vomit. His face looked almost the same, just as scrunched and pained. He had a button-up, silk t-shirt on over the wife-beater. I rummaged through the pockets on his jeans, found twenty-dollars in a money clip, but nothing else. I pocketed the twenty and dropped the clip on his belly. The hollow sound it made when it landed made my skin crawl. That and the fact that his eyes were still open, for Chrissakes.

The Photograph Pt. 1

I slept most of the way. Even so, every other bump in the track or abnormally large raindrop that smacked into the window of my compartment shook me from a deep sleep to a light doze. That’s probably why I was so tired when we wheeled into the station.

That’s probably why I forgot my luggage on the rack above my seat and had to go back onto the train after everyone else had cleared out.

My second disembarking carried less weight. I remember being more awake, more aware. Ironically, I did have my bag in my hand this time. I couldn’t remember what I’d packed. Couldn’t remember packing at all.

A few feet away from where I landed on the platform a conversation had been taking place. A young woman in a vest and tight jeans was holding some kind of grudge against what looked like a disgruntled ticket agent.

I drew closer because I’m nosy as fuck.

“I have to be on this train,” the woman said. Her blond hair had come out of the purple headband she wore about an inch above her forehead. A forehead currently wrinkled above angry eyes.

“The you should have bought a ticket this morning,” the ticket agent said. His hairless head glistened, wet with the rain. His portly belly tested the limits of the gold buttons down the front of his black uniform.

“I wasn’t here this morning,” she said, the emphasis all on the last word. That’s when I noticed her bag. A really lovely teal hard case with brown straps and a silver clasp. She’s cluttered it with stickers of flags and a collection of seemingly random stamps. During the argument she’d accidentally kicked it over. It lay on its side in a puddle. One of the stickers near the handle had begun to peal, but not due to the rain. It looked as though even the exposed underside of the sticker was aged.

The conversation came back into focus.

“Two-hundred dollars?” the woman shouted.

“That’s the cost for a last minute ticket,” the ticket agent said. He looked like he was trying very hard to be calm, though his cheeks were flushed.

“I don’t have two-hundred dollars,” the woman said. She’d been defeated. I could see it. Not by this conversation, not by anything in particular. This had been the culmination of a difficult few weeks, or even months. The poor dear.

“I do,” I said and I approached them.

“What did you say?” the ticket agent asked.

“I have two-hundred dollars,” I said again and set my own suitcase at my side where I stood beside them both.

“And you want a ticket, then?” the agent asked me. There are some people in this world who make you spell things out, even though you both know the answer.

“No, I want to buy your case.”

I looked pointedly at the suitcase beside the woman’s feet.

“You want to give me two-hundred dollars for a suitcase full of dirty clothes and a toothbrush?” the woman asked.

“I want to buy your case from you. I am prepared to go as high as two-fifty. That should get you home and a meal.” I felt generous.

The woman looked at her case. I felt the decision being made in her mind rather than getting to see it. When she looked from it back to me, I knew where we stood.

“Two-hundred and fifty, and I get to clear out my things,” she said.

“Two-hundred and fifty, and I take it as is,” I said.

Again she went back into her head. It took only slightly longer than it did for her to make her first decision.

“Fine,” she said. I opened my wallet and handed her five fifties. I took my new case, and my old case, and I walked away.

About an hour later I sat on the bed of my hotel room. I could hear the ice machine just down the hall through the thin walls and somewhere even farther down the hall an elevator chimed.

Next to me on the bed I’d laid out every item from the suitcase. Three shirts, all short sleeve. Two had been embroidered with a band’s name, and the third looked as though it had been worn when the girl had gone swimming at the beach. A pair of jeans with cherry Chapstick in the pocket. Five pairs of socks and three pair of panties.

And photographs.

The pictures looked as though they had been developed out of a very cheap disposable camera. Several of these were taken from various hotel rooms or tourist sites and showed only the woman from whom I’d bought the case.

A few others showed scenery that seemed less than spectacular. I was about to put the photos down when I found the last one in the stack. This photo contained neither scenery nor the woman. I stared at it in a somewhat shocked awe. The man in the photo wore a dirty wife-beater and appeared to be upset about his picture being taken, as he could be seen reaching for the camera. He stood in a kitchen that looked as though it belonged in a trainer from the 1970’s, complete with pealing, yellow wallpaper.

I let the other photos drop onto the bed, but I held onto the one of the man. I walked out to the balcony with it in my hand. Outside the rain had stopped, but only recently and no one had come out yet. I watched the clouds for a bit and spun tales in my head about who this man could be. After God knows how long, a knock at the door shook me from my brooding.

Hallgrímskirkja

I am writing this from the pew of a church, seated among picture-snapping tourists.  A person who I presume to be a local Reykjavikian is pounding periodically at the organ near the entrance.
I’m sweating and that sweat is mixing into the rain caught in my beard and hair. I am matted.
As far as churches go, this one is bland. No enormous epitaphs or depictions to dead saints. A modest table at the front, and a bowl made of glass for baptism. Its beauty is not in its extravagance, but in its space. This church is tall, and the ceiling is high. Mostly grey.
As I sit and watch the people, a woman that could be Greek splashes her fingers in the absent water within that bowl. When she leaves, a Japanese boy comes to make a face at its rim for a quick picture. His mother quickly shoos him off so that other tourists from all corners come to see the bowl, and check that it is empty.
There was a service an hour ago by the time I sit in my pew. I am alone in the row, and the rows three both behind and in front are empty. Candles that had burned during the service sit cool and melted, five in a row. I’m sure while I type this I am being pictured. The boy on his phone in church, being judged as they be judged by he.
They do look somber. That’s something. Somber people cracking their jawls into a grin for a capture of that moment in time. Then the face sets back into…
They look bored.
Everyone here looks so bored.
The windows look empty, glassless. As if when the moment came when the world spun and the church tilted, we would tumble through them out into the grey sky.

People behind me are talking about doing exciting things, getting their money’s worth, and then visiting a new country. A new place. Maybe New Zealand.
Buy a pass to a hundred sites, capture a moment where I’ve cracked a smile, then move on and on.

I’d like to say I’m different. Sitting in this church with busy thumbs and observing the things around me. Noticing. I’d like to say I’m better. That I enjoyed my time here and I lived in the moment that I was here. That I said a prayer to a few God’s who would like to hear from me.

But my feet hurt, and I’m really thinking about those pools and hot springs that I’ll be soaking in later tonight in my rented bathing suit. I already have my pass.

Am I Wrong?

There is a trend for most people in my life, when they hit the age that I am, to take certain steps. Please, indulge me for a minute of two reader, while I ponder this.

I have a spattering of good friends. A few who have gotten married, one settling into the idea to the point where he may as well be. Everywhere I look I feel as though the people around me are doing things right, and I’m doing things wrong.

Here I am, off on another solo venture out of the country to see brand new places and meet brand new people. Why should I feel… lost?

I’ve been recognizing more and more lately that I still have a broken heart. Not a heart on the mend, or a heart that needs time to heal, but a heart that doesn’t work right. I keep trying to fill it with fun and friends and being open and vulnerable, but that doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think this is the kind of broke that finding someone to fill in the gaps will fix. I think this is the kind of broke that needs a little life-redirection. A quick turn at the next stop light and I might be on the right track again.

This is new for me. But I’m figuring it out.

I am excited for my friends. Scratch that, I am scared for my friends. They have such big adventures before them; buying their first house, buying a car, planning to have children, supporting each other through everything, thick or thin.

Jumping on a plane and going to Europe, meeting hundreds of strangers and getting physically lost in a new city, that excites me. It’s the other stuff I’m afraid of. And I don’t understand how they, my friends, my family, can settle in despite or because of that fear. They face the challenge of being part of a whole and accept it. Embrace it.

I’m jumping on a plane to go to Germany for the first time tomorrow, and I feel that chaotic rush that comes from flying off by the seat of your pants. I am starting to feel the adrenaline of not knowing what will come, the ache of homesickness, the desire to walk a different world. I am starting to feel.

I hope to come back a bigger person. I hope to come back more developed and more whole. That’s how I can justify these adventures. If I am fueling a dream, a dream to become better and more focused and more driven, then I am accomplishing my duty as a writer, and as a creator and as an artist. And maybe one day, as a half-part. In the back of my mind, I can’t help but wonder if I should already be that person, and what the heck is holding me back.

For those of you reading this who prefer my fiction works and are getting tired of my thoughts, you’re in luck. Something is one the way. I am hoping to find some time to write while on the plane. I read once that Neil Gaiman found time to write on trains. I’ll take a pen and a small moleskin with me, and maybe I’ll come back with a new world if not as a new person.

As always, Reader, thanks for stopping in. Thanks for plugging on.

The Fear

Reader, I want to put a trigger warning on this blog.

The fear of a broken heart has stopped greater men than me from ever loving again. Every day I have to remind myself to not let it, and every day, multiple times a day, I have to remind myself to remind myself.

Every day I have an internal debate narrated by my stronger and weaker self, and I have to let it play out. If I don’t, if I push pause or skip to the end, then nothing happens. But if I hold on, let the tape run out, and believe that I could live on from the end of the argument about my inner demons, then I might be able to love on, too.

I’m young, I’m so young. This is something that no one prepared me for and no one really talks about. Not enough, anyway. Each and every time I hear a song that reminds me of her I break a little.

Okay, so I’m not young enough for there to be only one her. Right? I’ve had a few hers by now. It’s different now, though. I feel like there is a big thing inside me that has changed after the last time. Did I reach my limit? Did I learn too much or did I forget something vital?

Reader, I want.

I do. I want a lot. And a lot of the time these desires conflict. It’s a little refreshing knowing that part of me is now un-wanting. Let me explain.

All that ranting above is a gross stream-of-consciousness way of saying that I don’t want romance right now. This is hard for me because for as long as I can remember I’ve wanted a dance partner, metaphorically and literally.

I’m coming to terms with it, but something inside me is different than it has ever been. I am a different person these days than I was in my entire history. There is no longer an Andrew, not the same one anyway. There is a new Andrew out in the world wearing my shoes and saying hello to the people I used to know.

And that’s not as scary as you’d think. Do you remember those horror stories where one brain is switched for another and someone else is living in the hero’s brain? Do you remember the horror of the thought of someone else tucked neatly into your life with your face? I do. But it’s not as scary as I thought it would be. I just don’t understand it.

I heard once that there is no fear of death, there is only fear of the unknown. I used to be afraid of death. So much so that it kept me up at night. This feels similar to that, but also drastically different. I haven’t been sleeping well, but I don’t feel afraid. Not in the same way that I was of death. I like the idea of not being afraid to die. And I like the idea of not being afraid of the unknown. I like that idea. It’s what comforts me when I can’t sleep, that there is an idea like that floating around there. An idea that says you don’t have to be afraid.

So I’m not afraid of death and I’m not afraid of this new person that’s tucked himself into my shoes and lips. A person who has kissed people that I’ve met, and seen the same things I’ve seen. I know this person, but I don’t trust him.

At the end of every tunnel comes the light. Just like a train ride. I don’t know if this is permanent, and I don’t know if it’s a ride I want to be on, but I bought the ticket, and I’m sitting in the seat. Why not get comfy and see what’s around the bend? Even if someone else is conducting.

I’m asking you a lot of questions in this blog, and that’s a little unfair. But you can contact me through this blog. I encourage it. Especially if you are feeling something similar, reader. Do you have faith in the same romance you had faith in when you were asking your high school crush to prom? What about that romance you felt when you lost your virginity? Do you remember how fast your heart raced? Do you remember how fast her heart raced?

Good night, reader. Until next time. Thank you for stopping by.

Also, as a post script, I want to warn you that I may be moving to Australia sometime in the near future and this may turn into somewhat of a travel blog. If that is the case, I hope you enjoy the trip to come vicariously.