Hello Reader,

Sometimes, maybe not all the time, but definitely most of the time, I am fighting to remain relevant in the lives of my friends and loved ones.

I didn’t realize this until recently. The idea that I could ‘fade away’ is usually just a distant tickle in the back of my head. But it’s never not there.

Every once in a while it crops up, maybe to settle its cold body in the pit of my stomach or set an anchor in my heart. This usually happens when someone blows me off or sets me on a back burner while they focus on themselves.

I didn’t realize this until I started to look at my life objectively. I saw that I have an irrational fear that I could become irrelevant. Maybe one day I will fall asleep, or not accept a phone call, or forget to text back, and the person who was reaching out for me at that moment will forget me. Maybe they’ll replace me.

I try really hard, Reader. And sometimes, when I think that things are safe, and my relationships are strong, I weigh the potential of skipping a text, or ignoring that call, or silencing my phone when I go to bed. Is it a time when I can let go of that responsibility and remain relevant?

I’m mostly writing this today because people have been saying lately that I look tired. I’ve caught myself in the past few days stopping mid-sentence because I’d realized that I didn’t know where my words were coming from. I’m a little lost, and they’re not wrong, I do look tired.

Have a great night, Reader.