If I were to die tomorrow I’m not sure who would find me.

Probably my mom.  That would be sad for her. But I think she would know what to do, or figure it out with relative ease.  I’m sure there are a few unfortunate people out in the world who have googled: What to do when you discover a dead body.  She might call my brother, crying, and ask for help.  That’s one reason I hope I die before my siblings. So that they can help everyone after I go.  If I were the last to go, I suppose that wouldn’t be bad either. I just don’t want to leave anyone alone when I die.

If I were to die tomorrow I would lose all of my things.

I don’t have a lot of them, not even a bed or a very big tv. So losing them wouldn’t be the worst consequence of dying. But they would stop smelling like me after a while and they would become cool to the touch when I’m not around to pick them up anymore. I would hope my mugs go to a good owner. Donated or taken greedily; I don’t care. They’re not nice mugs, but they deserve to be filled with hot things from time to time.

My books are next to worthless.  They won’t cover the cost of the funeral or even the trip to the morgue in the ambulance. But they have good stories to tell.  Some of them I’ve lived multiple times.  I have a nice edition of Catcher in The Rye that I know someone would want hang onto if they wanted to keep something of mine.

I’ve spent a good portion of my life collecting things, then trying to get rid of things, and abandoning things. Leaving everything behind would be such a relief.

If I left the world tomorrow I would meet my psychopomp.

I would ask her what she did to get such a nice gig and I would thank her for meeting me.  She might wipe my final tear from my eye and she might smile when she does it. I would ask her about my dog that died a few years back and I would apologize for all the questions. My finial apology.  I hear that in death your worries leave you, and if I’m not worried I won’t have to think about things that make me apologize.

I would ask her if her job is done when she takes me to my last destination and if she’s free for a cup of coffee. I wouldn’t use a line or tempt her with false promises, and only partly because I don’t understand the promises of the dead.  I plan to be very genuine once I’ve died.  I imagine it’s much easier than it is when you’re still alive.

If I died tomorrow I would miss the rest of my life.

But only slightly.  I have a lot to look forward to, I would tell myself, and now I can forget about that.  It won’t be an angry thought.  No. It’ll be a thought that I will carry with me, as if in my pocket, and feel its weight, but I won’t hate that thought.  And I won’t hate the idea of missing out on bits of existence I missed out on.

If I were to die tomorrow I would not hate.

I try not to now, but stuff happens. And if I’m not going to hate when I’m dead then I better enjoy it while I still can.  There are bits of this world that are easier to hate when you’re a part of it, I would imagine.  People, places, and jobs that seems so big and overwhelming don’t hold any weight in an afterlife.  If there is an afterlife.  Even less weight if there is no afterlife.  I think I would like to try not-existing.  It might put more reason and rhyme into existing. I’m sure I would have so many questions and maybe even some answers I would like to share. I expect that will be hard, too.  If I am given answers in death, how hard will it be to watch the ones I’ve left behind struggle with those questions?

If I were to die tomorrow I would leave space for someone else.

In my apartment.  In the kitchen where I have prepared so few meals. On the couch where I lay to watch TV.  On the train that I ride to work. And even in the antique shop I’ve only gone in once. After I go I hope to take up very little room. Much less than when I was alive. This world seems so big, but it is filled with so many lives that need living.

To my reader:

If I were to die tomorrow, it would be one heck of a coincidence that this was published the day before my death.

Thanks as always for reading. I hope that this little passage about what I think death is and how it effects the world gave you a little thinking cap.