“If you don’t believe in yourself, you’re a fucking coward.” Dan Avidan

About two months ago I moved to California.  I picked up my life, put it in a small car, and drove from Juneau, Alaska to Arcata, California.  You can’t actually drive out of Juneau, Alaska, I had to take a ferry most of the way, but I had everything in a car so it’s easier to say I drove.  Three days on a boat is no small feat, but not a bad way to go.  If you’re ever thinking of moving to Alaska, I highly recommend taking the ferry system.  There’s nothing like a cool morning on the deck of a boat cruising through the channels of northern Washington, Canada, and Alaska.

I digress.

About two months ago I landed in California and started working a job that I didn’t particularly care for. I took it to get out of Alaska, where I had been living with my father to save money.  The move would essentially function as a transition back to the real world.

Fast forward to just about two weeks ago.  I got a call from another part of the organization I work for.  Someone down in Orange County wanted to interview me for a position.  The next day, same story from a job in Seattle. I liked the idea of getting out of Arcata.  It’s a drug town with a college problem. Most of the money made and spent in Arcata came from marijuana.  I have no issue with those of you who want to partake in recreational drugs. It’s just not for me.

The issue at this point was my living space.  I had put in an application for an apartment at one of the two complexes in town.  At the time that I did this I had been set-up in an AirBNB; short-term living situation to say the least. 

So now I found myself in a race.

If I interviewed well on the new job, I might be moving to Seattle or Orange Country within a few months and have no need for an apartment in Arcata. If I sucked in the interview, I would be staying in Arcata and need an apartment. During the process, my time at the AirBNB would come to an end and I would find myself homeless. 

I thought about this a lot, too.  Would it be impossible for me to be homeless?  I know that in Japan there are thousands of people who have steady jobs, but don’t have a place to live because there just aren’t enough places to house them.  Living out of my car seemed like a struggle, but a one that I could cope with.  One I surely hoped I wouldn’t have to cope with, but if it came to it, I would deal with the situation as best I could.

That’s one thing you pick up when you spend most of your life moving from one place to another.  Not much seems insurmountable. I’ve become quiet adept at rolling with the punches and adapting to new situations.

There may seem like there should have been an easy fix to my situation.  I could just find another AirBNB, right? Well, the one that I had found turned out to be the only long-term AirBNB in the town. There are also no extended stay hotels in Arcata.  And most rooms you rent come with a six-month lease that becomes month-to-month at the end of that period. My options were sparse if I was hoping to get out of town within a few months.

Another week went by and I did very well on the interview.  At the same time, the apartment complex needed an answer about the apartment.

The dilemma arises:

Do I sign the lease to an apartment and count on myself doing poorly on the next level of the interview, or do I take a chance on me, put everything I have into the interview and count on them choosing me over all their other candidates?

I have more than a few grey hairs on my head because of this week of my life. I told the apartment to hold on for a weekend and I did the interview.  It went well and I decided that whatever happened, I would put all my faith in me.  After the weekend, I told the apartment complex that I didn’t need the apartment. I’d heard that the apartment complexes in this town are ruthless when it comes to breaking leases. And I waited. I waited two days before I got a call from the job in Seattle.

They wanted me.

This hectic week resulted in one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. Not only had I taken a huge chance on myself, but I had dropped my Plan-B.  I had put all my chips in my corner and came out on top.  There’s nothing quite like finding out that you have the ability and courage to work out all your troubles after all.  I took the job and now I’m planning a move rather than a way to stay in a place I don’t like for longer than I need. I’m planning a future rather than a way to survive today.

In a world like the one that we live in, it’s important to be independent and strong.  It’s also important to have people you can rely on.  Take my father for instance. Any time I talk to him he ends his calls by saying: “let me know if you need any help.”

Coming from anyone else, this would be great.  Coming from anyone else I would feel like someone has my back hoping I succeed and they’re there if I fail.  Coming from my father, all I hear is that he knows that I’ll need his help in the future because I’m not good enough to succeed on my own. In my world, relying on my father is giving up on myself.

I know that this may not make much sense, and you may have trouble relating to it, reader, and I honestly hope that you do.  If you see your parents as a supportive foundation upon which you can build your dreams, all the better. But I’m not like that. Not right now anyway. And that’s why, when I took that chance on me, I really took a chance on allowing my father to see me as another charity case.

I don’t want to be someone’s charity case, reader.  And I don’t want to be a ‘fucking coward.”  I believe that it takes a lot of courage to say: “I’m good enough.” I think it takes a lot of courage to put everything on the line and hold faith in yourself when no one else seems to. Asking for help is difficult and important, and I’m learning to do that more without feeling guilty, but this time, it was important that I do it on my own.  And I feel all the stronger for it. I’ve reached new limits. I’ve broadened my horizons.

Reader, I’m not encouraging you to forgo any assistance that might be offered.  But I am encouraging you to be true to yourself.  Count on yourself more than anyone else. You may not believe it, but you have a lot more to offer yourself than you think.  Sometimes it’s hard to see how everything will work out, and at times the world may seem too dark to see the light, but those are the times when it’s important to take a breath, give it your all, and count on yourself to pull through. 

I did.  Even if it seems like something that would have worked out anyway, I felt pretty desperate and I felt like giving up more than a few times.  But I didn’t. I held on longer than I thought I could. And now I’m not sure anything is impossible.